How to establish your own values

The whole thing started because I’ve recently begun applying for PhD programs. While preparing the application materials, I ran into a lot of difficulties. These setbacks made me question something I used to be quiet certain about: Do I really want to pursue a doctorate? Or is “doing a PhD” just an excuse to avoid working, avoid the unknown, so that I don’t have to confront deeper issues about myself?

After a lot of reflection, I realized the problems troubling me are:

1. Extremely low self-esteem - I care too much about what others think of me.
2. Perfectionism - I refuse to accept the objective fact that my abilities have limits.
3. I don’t know how to build close relationships.

I think a big part of why these issues exist is that I’ve never truely established my own set of values. To tackle this, I decided to talk to ChatGPT. The following is the advice it gave me, which I’m documenting here as a reminder to myself.

How to Build Personal Values

1. Self-Inventory: Reflect on Your Highs and Lows

Think about the three things you’re most proud of and the three things you regret the most.
These moments often reveal what you truly care about.

Example:

• If you’re proud because you helped someone, maybe you value kindness or contribution.

• If you regret missing a learning opportunity, maybe you value growth or responsibility.

2. Values Word Bank (Initial Selection)

Common core values include:

• Relationships: sincerity, kindness, respect, companionship, cooperation

• Personal: growth, independence, freedom, creativity, responsibility

• Achievement: effort, learning, excellence, influence

• Lifestyle: health, happiness, balance, exploration, aesthetics

Pick 5–8 words that resonate with you the most.

3. Prioritize & Focus

Rank the values you selected from “most important → secondary → nice to have.”

Then choose your top 3 core values, for example:

Growth, Sincerity, Care

4. Turn Them Into Actions

Words alone aren’t enough — they must be lived.

• Growth → Learn something new every day (even just 10 minutes).

• Sincerity → Don’t say things you don’t mean in conversations.

• Care → Reach out to a friend or family member once a week.

By living your values, you gradually strengthen your sense of self.

5. Use Your Values to Calm Social Anxiety

When you catch yourself thinking, “What if they don’t like me?”, ask instead:

“Does what I’m doing align with my values?”

If the answer is yes, then even if others disapprove, you still have an internal basis to stand on.